27 September 2012


I find that I like to keep my own sufferings to myself (well, the details of the suffering anyway). I would rather people not know about what they do to me (particularly when they know that they have some degree involved)....But I think today is a good day to write about this...

Last week in the OF form of the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass, we prayed the following.

O God, who founded all the commands of your sacred Law upon love of you and of our
neighbor, grant that, by keeping your precepts, we may merit to attain eternal life.

I have been doing much praying on these words the past few days, and have finally decided to write somethings that have been on my mind for years in some respects. 

a. The love of neighbour...in spite of what they've done

With my personality type, I'm very particular about particular things. Yes, things must be a particular way, whether it's friendships, my students' work, or whatever. There must be order to these things, and when there isn't order, or the order that does exist is upset, for me, I've always gone crazy. 

So thus, when intruders, A, B, C  entered the picture between friends A, B, and C, to say I was upset, is a lie. I WAS ABSOLUTELY INFURIATED! (And to whatever degree STILL AM). It's not even the fact that intruders A, B and Centered the picture....it's 3 things: 1. the fact that I didn't find out until after the fact. (even if they knew how I would react) 2. at least with B that person knew of the cross that would be added to my already difficult cross...I don't think A had a clue...3. A and B and C while B and C are likable, A isn't...and I absolutely detest to anyone treating A, B and C in such a manner that will result in my infuriation. Yes, I'm a bit overprotective of those I care about. (I swear it's a good thing I don't have a younger sister....poor girl would have never had a b/f or been able to talk to anyone)...

A and B have been more vocal about this than C, but A and B have explicitly asked for me to be happy for them, and I've repeatedly kept quiet, or said in some way shape or form, it'd take a long time for me to be "happy" for them. I find it hard to rejoice when one's heart is being stomped upon....(For yes A, B and C do have special places in my heart and in that sense it totally is)....Perhaps I should be warm and welcoming to change, but I hate change as a general principle...And yes, my closeness to A, B and C has been directly affected by intruders A, B and C...but I need to let go...

At the end of the day, they're still my best friends, and I will love them unconditionally, as I would expect them to love me. No, I will not approve of everything that they do, and no, I will not be absolutely elated for everything (as it's hard to get me excited about many things)....

But I do say this, while I don't have control over my personality type, I do have control over my will, and on this day, I choose to forgive, and I do promise to pray for God's will to be done...It is the least I can do for the ones I hold closest to my heart. 

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