Dating, Relationships, Seminary, and things of this nature....

Beware of the quiet ones, not necessarily because they are dangerous, but rather, they're the ones that are probably trying to out think everything.

So it often seems that I get bothered about this topic offline often enough, that I've decided to address it online.

Anyone that I've ever seen as a possible "more than friend" candidate or someone that could potentially lead to something down the road has hurt me. Some have done so more severely than others. I can't think of any exemption to this statement, and I'm not putting specifics in so I don't have to retract this :p.

Success in romance has been relatively minimal with respect to the whole. And unfortunately for me those situations that did happen did not end on good notes. (Me being hurt, not good). Nor is it possible for me to say that I felt called to a higher state during those times. That is to say, I didn't think that God was going to drag me away from the relationships to be a priest.

To say that I'm a broken soul would probably be a huge understatement. I've been through enough, and know myself well enough to know that healing will take time, but forgetting will not happen anytime soon. If we took the sum of every time that I have been broken hearted, let's just say the number is really really high.

Is it all a sign? I'm not so sure. That is to say, in each situation, it wasn't something where both people parted their separate ways due to a mutual agreement. It'd be one thing, if each situation was agreed upon, to point to something higher, but to be nearly "beaten" to the point of despair, I'd rather disagree.

If you've been paying any attention to this excuse of a blog, all of you know of my love of the Liturgical rites of the Church. I was intending to be bi-ritual even if I did get ordained. But at this point, I don't know what I am going to do.

There's some attraction to both vocations, and I can certainly say that one is stronger than the other.

I do know about the situation for seminary, that if it is I who must pay, then I will dictate where I go. Likely, I would send myself to Eastern Europe, Russia, Slovakia, or Belarus for seminary. (And I'd make Bishop say yes)....(Yes, My love for Eastern Europe still is there)

If I do ask for prayers, I really do need them, I'm not just saying it just because....so yes, keep praying for me.

Yes, I am still hurt by those that have hurt me (whether directly or indirectly, intentional or unintentional), no I am not dwelling on them, but I do take things rather personally. Apologies work, but only with appropriate action. I don't think it quite works just simply saying sorry for things and then doing nothing to fix the wrongs.

If things seem rather confusing, that's because well, they are....I'm not revealing anyone that I may (or may not) be interested in, or even which way I may be leaning, but I would like to ask for prayers...

Thanks for putting up with this rant.

Pax Vobis

Some vocation thoughts...

Those of you that know me, know how much I despise people being inside my business without my permission. I have the personality of a locked book with about 6 different passwords when it comes to 95% of things that go on in my personal life....On occasion it's necessary to speak of these things....in particular to dispel (or confirm) rumors one way or another.

In the usual manner, I'm not going to give specifics....but there are things I should say.

a. Yes, the constant pestering (by some, not all) has been noticed. I've been listening to everyone saying you should go back to seminary...I've heard many say, I think you have a vocation still...I've given them prayer and consideration....I have told my SD about these things, and I've been given advice about this situation. I even mentioned an incompleteness that I felt in my last situation, even though I felt the temptations that came with seminary, I nonetheless was at peace in spite of the temptations that came....Of course I said I will prayerfully consider these "tugs" at my heart and what they mean.

b. What you may have not known is that I already had in my mind breathing with both lungs of the Church when I went into seminary. God willing of course I was planning to celebrate both the Roman Liturgy and the Byzantine Liturgy. I have love for both traditions of the Church, although a lot has changed for me spiritually in these past few years to say the least. (As you know, my primary parish of assistance is the Ruthenian parish in Anaheim)

c. But to say that I'm not still hurt over what happened previously would be an understatement....and I'm no where near healed enough to even consider applying at this point. (Plus I'd like to pay off the strings to the government (aka student loans)...A lot of scars are still relatively fresh for me, and those of you that know me, know I take a long time to heal from situations. (I'm either hurt, or not, there is no in between). There are other things that need to be taken care of too.

d. What has changed is that my heart primarily wishes to serve the Byzantine Church. Reflecting upon my time where I was the reader at Ss Cyril and Methodius in Spokane, I realized how much I miss that particular portion of my spirituality. As such I'm un-retiring from altar service, and I will be serving at the altar during the Byzantine Liturgy. (I still MC and serve the TLM from time to time)....to start being even more intimate with the Divine Liturgy (as if I wasn't already).....

e. I ask that you pray for me, and pray hard for me. I don't apologize for not being public about these things...because I absolutely wanted to be definitely sure before I decided to go public with this.....

Pax Vobis

Listening...or so it's called

Some people have made a point of telling  (as well intended as they may be) me that God has something special planned for me. And in the context in these statements would be that somehow there are those that still consider me to have a vocation to the priesthood. (Apparently it must be something in how I act or something like that, I'm only giving to God what is due unto Him, it's really no big deal...seriously, it's not that big of a deal, and I think nothing of it)

And some have mentioned to me that I should consider a vocation in the Byzantine church (in a rather implicit way), that I'd make a good priest or what not.

In my own typical shyness, I brush things off, having walked down that road before, which of course the details of such are kept out of the public eye.

God most certainly provides the grace to get through any situation, provided we cooperate with it, and as I've often mentioned, I'm quite broken, and I don't just speak from my last experiences in living religious life, I speak of all my personal experiences and weaknesses (there are plenty)...I know that people really try to point out the good, but the reality is that I have plenty of weaknesses and blocks towards such a "vocation." I don't kid when I say I'm not the next coming of any of my favorite Saints.

I'm quite stubborn and refuse to bow to anyone other than God, (which works both for a good and bad thing)...I don't do the Gospel of political correctness (if you're offended, too darn bad)...I'm not a fan of the USCCB as a collective whole (although there are plenty of fine good individual Bishops), and I will call them out on their stupidity...(you know, supporting amnesty, Obamacare until there was abortion in it, etc.)....In my shyness, I'm quite a strong personality, I know these are my weaknesses...and they must change if I was to pursue a vocation to the priesthood again...

Yes, I am also very docile at times, sometimes too much so. Yes, I'm a firm believer if you're going to do something, then one must do so well. Surely I do sing the epistle at Divine Liturgy, but I do love God and so out of justice these things happen.

I definitely did think that if I was to become a priest, I would be bi-ritual doing both the Byzantine Liturgy and the Roman Liturgy. I've had a love for both forms of the Liturgy for quite a while now.

If it's in God's will that I become a priest it will happen, but for now, my life although not perfect by any means, I'm at peace with whatever God's will is. As always I do ask for your prayers, and thank you sincerely for compliments given...

Pax Vobis