30 January 2012

Of nightmares still lived.

As I warned ahead of time, I said that this year was going to be a long year for me. There are 10 year anniversaries of things that aren't so special in my life. I'm only going to talk about one of them.

The order of magnitude of EM force is 100 000 000 000 000 000 000 times greater than the gravity force. That is to say the EM force is a whole lot stronger than anything gravity has an excuse to put up with.

You may ask, why in the world am I discussing physics in a nightmare? I'm a physicist, so a nightmare about physics wouldn't make sense. In that sense you are right. But I am using as an analogy.

There are some people that I let into my life a bit closer than others. I tell them more, and as a result, they are more strongly attached to me. It is much harder to let these people go, or change the status quo, than someone who is on the outside of those people that I let in.

It still haunts me the fact that my ex best friend and I aren't talking. It's been 10 years. I've tried out reach, mostly through writing, to be completely ignored. It hurts the fact that I don't exist. It hurts the fact that she took advantage of me. It hurts the fact that she lied to me. It hurts the fact that she wasn't there for me when I needed her. It hurts the fact that she didn't see I was acting differently on purpose. It hurts the fact we haven't reconciled, though we have said cordial greetings once in a while. It hurts the fact that every time I think of her, I think of the one time she hurt me over the good memories that we have. It hurts me the fact that she's dating an ex friend. And what hurts the most is the fact that she's still in my thoughts. She still haunts me. (Mention her name, and I will hurt you)

So, in this nightmare...I ask out one of my dearest friends. She turns into said ex best friend and repeats the same words she wrote to me "I hate you, you're annoying,..." I woke up screaming (well, in my head anyway). Such is a paradox in my life: I've been hit by a car, I've lost my mom, aunt, grandma within 3 years of each other, I almost died when I was a kid twice, and I fear asking out my best friend. I often joke it takes a ton to scare me. The normal means of freaking me out don't work. Takes something out the ordinary.

I write this first and foremost that you will pray for me to overcome the will of my enemies. It is the Enemy that keeps bringing these things to my mind.

Secondly, I write this that you may keep my vocation in your prayers...whatever it happens to be.

Thirdly, I ask you to pray for this ex best friend, that she will desire to be reconciled to me.

Fourthly, I ask that you pray for two friends who I will not mention by name.

Lastly, I ask that you pray for Holy Mother Church that she be exalted and free to proclaim the Gospel of Christ (Last because it's the most important).


  1. May the Lord grant you wisdom and peace. May he hear your prayer for your friends and the well being of their souls and their relationship with you. May the Lord guide you in your discernment with a certainty of heart and outward confirmation.

  2. Life sure can be painful at times. You and all that you mentioned are in my thoughts and prayers. Jesus is the answer to all that ails us. Wishing you peace as you go through this stressful period in your life. God Bless.


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