26 June 2013

In a rare moment of personal revelations....

Dear __________,

You may think this letter is in vain, you may very well think of me as your greatest enemy, but I would be a failure as a Christian if I did not attempt this...I maintain hope that one day this situation will be solved, and full reconciliation will be reached...I pray for this, but I must say a few things:

1) If we do not forgive others, we will not attain the Kingdom of Heaven. I know you to be a devout Catholic, who has plenty of imperfections as do I, your faith was one of the things that attracted me towards you...I have been active in trying to show the fact that I have forgiven you for your wrongs towards me (Don't kid yourself, you know I will NOT forget), It would be nice to hear something, tis the reason that we go to confession is it not? Because God doesn't talk back ;)...It would be nice to hear those words from you, "I forgive you, Joe"...I know you well enough to a point, you are probaly thinking that by ignoring me, that you will hope that I will disappear, or that somehow by ignoring me, that the problem will somehow disappear....You know, of all people outside of my better half, you should know me well enough to know that a. I remember everything and b. ignoring me only works when I wish to be ignored. If anything, the situation has been made worse by you ignoring me. (Part of it is my fault, I'll admit to that, but as a person of completely predictable behaviours, I figure you'd notice something was wrong in my not following of a pattern)...Chances are there is no way this letter will find you...if it does find you, I hope it finds you in good health, and doing well.

2) 11 years may seem like a long time to you, but for me, it still feels like yesterday....(as you well know the surrounding events don't help)...I must say, with the 4 years of hell, there were things that I understood at the age of 16 that the vast majority of people at 16 do not understand. I'm sure that you were probably more than overwhelmed with what I had to say....but I knew of no other way to say what I needed to say. I'm sure that having a friend lose a parent was something that you never thought of when you were younger....I'm sure to this day it's still difficult to really wrap your head around. You still have both of your parents, and for someone like yourself, your life without them would be dramatically different...I'm sure you had zero idea what to do, when one of your friends who was losing his mother, also happened to be attracted towards you (if I had any control over the situation, I would have changed the timing, alas, emotions don't quite work in that manner as you well know)...and you may have very well thought that by keeping yourself away from me that you were helping me, let me tell you that the opposite is true. Even though, I was angry at you at the time, I would have had absolutely no problem with you being next to me during that time, it was rough, words really can't express the hell a 16 year old kid was going through at the time....Yes, I'm able to compartmentalize different emotions, I am after all, a guy, I have this ability...I have the ability to separate your actions from your person....The acts that you did are not a reflection on the person that you are (or rather the person I'd like to remember)....I still feel as if the person who wrote those words to me was not you, but someone masked who had no idea of my sufferings and picked the absolute worst time to come out...and if it was you...it'd mean our closeness was a lie, and God have mercy on you if that's the case....but I'd rather not believe that....

3) I was probably the only 16 year old on campus that could tell you what love was and is at  that time...I knew then that love wasn't merely an emotional high (believe me, if it was, it most certainly was an epic failure then...I knew that love involved the total giving of self...and that is exactly what I was willing to for you, I knew if you were ever threatened I would step up to protect you...(And you have zero idea how many times I had to protect your person)...it's much harder to do this today with all that has happened, but really, in charity, I should do everything to protect your person, and not take an opportunity for revenge...I again beg for your forgiveness in any sins against charity that I have done towards you...(and I of course forgive you for the words that you have said about me)

Yes, it is necessary for my salvation that you and I are able to reconcile in some way. In some strange way it will be the same for you as well. I pray for you, and I hope that we're able to reconcile at least to the point where I'm not perpetually writing to you every June 26th :p....If you ever happen to find this letter, I'd appreciate words to me, not through anyone other than you please :), I'd speak to you directly, but no ability to do so, since I live in the land of Idaho :)...God bless you!

In the peace of Christ


PS: The time that this post goes up is not coincidental....it's on purpose.