I can certainly say the past year of my life has been much like a sinusoidal wave. Up and down, in a relatively repetitive pattern. Between my own struggles in discernment with a religious order, to my flat out anger when I left, I can honestly say the realm of emotional trial that has been my life has been very taxing, though, while a lot of the things about myself I knew to be true, were only magnified in the presence of religious life.
I'm not one for believing people in general...I'm quite pessimistic when it comes to my attitude towards people. I have major doubts when it comes to peoples' opinions, or what they may be, but every once in a while there are some that are able to figure things out or finish my sentences.
a. My time was conflicted with various thoughts.
Those of you that know me in real life, know me to be a person who probably thinks more than he should. The thought of whether I wanted to be a priest was often often challenged. When i saw a particular sister smile, I always thought of the vocation of marriage. I'd go into nights of detailed analysis of that particular thought and quite often would have sleepless nights. I'm also the same person that does not do anything until coming to an absolute conclusion about whatever I was thinking about. As I'll put it, my ability to organize and separate things became magnified. The thought of marriage didn't really bother me so much, as I've often heard it said, if you don't want to be a father to children, you shouldn't be a priest. So, I was consoled in that fact during my time in religious life.
b. I long to teach, it's as simple as that.
Literally from the second classes started, I missed being on front of my students' and teaching them. But again, this did not bother me, simple solution, be a teaching priest, instead of one that did parish works. I enjoy passing on the things that I know to others, even though I do not enjoy being the center of attention. (Such is the paradox of an introverted teacher). So I took the time to interject things here and there where appropriate.
c. I do not like being pushed, and will swing back, period, I don't care who you are.
As with anyone I have my various weaknesses. Mine involve around personal attacks. I've gotten professors fired for doing things like that to me. It wasn't going to be any different regardless, i do not tolerate being personally attacked by a professor. There are many that said I shouldn't say anything, just bow down and agree to him, sorry, I refuse to do that when I'm personally insulted.
d. Change, forget it.
Order and beauty are things that appeal to me personally. I liked the structure of religious life. I liked the order of things. That said, I have always gone about doing things in un-orthodox ways. I remember my mom always telling me that I liked to do things the hard way. I still do. I go about conforming in my own way, especially when it's not specified, how to go about doing it. Might be my own stubbornness speaking. I don't like change, not even the lack of change in my pocket. Change is a disruption to my order, hence my distain towards it. I have a method of going about business, and it's successful, I will not adapt it for anyone or anything. Let me give example. I study best in the evening (between 10p-12a), I can not study before that. Now this is particularly hard to do in religious life. Now I'm a nerd, who likes to study and am known for not putting books down. I invest myself heavily towards my schoolwork, even if it doesn't often look like it. I tried to do things differently, it did not work, I have to do things a particular way otherwise order is disrupted.
e. Well, onto the positive...
There is someone that has caught my interest as a potential Mrs. me. I find it interesting that her and I have both discerned religious life. Reminds me in a way of the lives of St Therese's parents (both her and I being fans of St Therese). I think the chance to incorporate our learnings from religious life is a good thing. Curious minds will seek, and not get a name, at least not publicly on this blog.
f. I have applied to teach math and physics in Tennessee. Pray that I get the job :)....
Thanks for reading, God bless